My Imaginary Pony and Derek Joins Masterchef

Tuesday was a slow day by design. Having ninety eight panic attacks on the trot on Monday, plus a six blister walk meant that I felt a bit battered. I reminded myself of a beached whale. You know that awfully upsetting footage where it’s really had enough but people persist in chucking buckets of water over it and trying to roll it into a tarpaulin. They are all being really helpful and you know that if you found a beached whale you would do the same, but there is a part of you that can see that it just wants to be left alone to die in peace.

That’s a lot of existential angst to start a Tuesday, but that’s how I felt.

I decided to take myself to the cinema where I could legitimately sit in the cool and dark and where nobody would try to chuck buckets of water over me, or if they did I could have them removed and probably get free cinema tickets for my pains.

I very much enjoy going to the cinema on my own. It feels like something you are not supposed to do, even though you’re totally allowed. That’s the best sort of transgressive behaviour. You don’t get the angst of actually breaking the rules, but you feel like you are, and when you tell other people what you’ve done, they react like you’ve stolen eyeliner from Boots. It’s great.

I went to see Scrapper at Genesis in Stepney Green. I’ve already written about the Genesis, but I can’t get over how much I enjoy that building. It’s properly old school. It reminds me of the first cinema I ever went to. My gran used to take me to the Art Deco cinema in Wigston (near Leicester - now flats, obvs.). I remember seeing Young Robin Hood starring a teenage Keith Chegwin. I was so scared by the Sheriff of Nottingham I hid under the seats and by the time my gran had pulled me out, I had melted choc ice all down her best Mac. She wasn’t delighted. I expect it didn’t help that she also had to watch Keith Chegwin in tights and a too short tunic. A dark day.

No choc ices were melted during Scrapper, but I did feel very young again. That was because the seats were so massive and so low, that I had to peep between the gaps in the seats in front to get a good view. I think I might need a booster seat next time. I tried sitting up tall, but it didn’t help much. I must accept the fact that with age comes miniaturisation. If this continues I will be able to buy myself a Shetland pony and ride around town doing all my jobs without getting out of the saddle. I shall enjoy getting into Screen Three at Genesis with Bitey (the name of my future pony).

Scrapper was really good, by the way. I recommend. Gutsy, warm, touching and funny with great acting by Lola Campbell who plays 12 year old Georgie. It was a tough role but she was really good. Child actors can be tricky, much like Shetland ponies, so when there’s a good one, they should be suitably lauded.

I had to stop at Waitrose on the way home to buy Queen Derek some more gourmet cat food. She is taking to the life of a gourmand like you wouldn’t believe. It’s like Masterchef twice a day now as she twirls and squeaks and then hovers her nose over the offering before she dives in. I’d say that she’s definitely the John Torode of the pairing, which makes me Gregg Wallace. I don’t know that John Torode has ever flicked an anchovy across the floor with his paw in utter disdain yet, but there’s time. It’s a strong move.

So far her favourite dish is flakes of line caught tuna mixed with whitebait. No wonder it’s her favourite, out the packet it looks like something you’d pay £10 for as a small plate in an upmarket Tapas bar. I was tempted to slap some between two bits of bread and have it for my tea but like the good Gregg Wallace I am, I cracked open the buttery biscuits instead.