I thought I had done with writing about my trip but it turns out that I haven’t
There is the temptation, when I book or attend things which are supposed to be joyful and wonderful, to only talk about the good bits. I can fall prey to a sort of Disneyfication of my memories. I find this troubling for all kinds of reasons. As a child, I would get so hyper excited about things that I was expected to celebrate, birthdays and Christmases etc, that by the time they rolled around I was in huge, sensory overwhelm. Things, as my mum would say, would end in tears. Later on, these obligatory festive pinch points would begin to fill me with dread. If I allowed myself to get too excited I might spoil things. If I didn’t allow myself to get excited, people would think I was a killjoy and a grinch. I would also find myself getting angry that I didn’t seem to be enjoying things like other people, which was another thing to add to my list of reasons why I was clearly mental.
When my children were small, I noticed that overwhelm happening to them, too. I made a decision to ease the pressure on all of us. Our celebration days became more intimate and less stimulating. They also became more random. I realised that a culture of only endorsing certain emotions on certain days and then expecting everyone to feel this or that at this or that time was deeply weird. My goal was for more good things spread over the whole year with less peaks and troughs and significantly less expectation on everyone’s part to enjoy themselves. We have, in the past, shifted birthdays and other feasts if people weren’t feeling it. There were times, when the kids were smaller, when I would take each of them out of school and call in sick for them. Then I would take them on an adventure just for them. Everyone needs to enjoy a random Tuesday for no reason from time to time. I had forgotten this, but Oscar was talking about it last week and it made me so happy that he remembered and treasured those moments.
This approach worked for us. It still works. It makes life feel more manageable and it allows for happiness and joy to creep in unexpectedly. It also makes life feel more real. Real is good. I have noticed that there is a tendency to allow ‘real’ life to be shitty and difficult because we have ‘x’ or ‘y’ to look forward to. That means that there is tremendous pressure on ‘x’ or ‘y’ to deliver and they can, if things go wrong, go off like a fire hose. All the built up pressure and stress just siphons out all over everything and then you have a natural disaster on your hands. Or, when things go right, there is that awful dread that creeps in towards the end, because you know that tomorrow, real life is going to exert its stranglehold on you again. In the past I have used celebrations (and buying nice things) as ways to keep me in painful situations for longer than is good for me. I no longer want to do that. A prison is a prison, even if it has waitress service and sun loungers by the pool.
I am learning to choose differently now. I am working to think about my life as a continuum in which my experiences can flow and where things are more evenly mixed rather than existing at extremes of good and bad. This means the pressure to be perfect, the pressure to feel this or not feel that dissipates. It allows for agency and choice, which stops some of the chatter in my head about what I should be feeling and doing. I’m pretty good these days at turning down party invitations, going to bed on New Year’s Eve and moving my birthday if the mood takes me. There are a few areas which still need work, as ever. One is to do with my behaviour with friendships, where I still have a lot of ‘should’ behaviour and a sense of obligation. The other, is with holidays.
Mostly, on this holiday, we got the mix right, but there were a few times when I caught myself in the: ‘I should feel this like this,’ mood and nagging myself because I didn’t. I was able to stand back from and interrogate those moments, which helped a lot, as did talking things through with Jason.
What I noticed most was the guilt that I felt at thinking thoughts and feeling feelings that didn’t vibe with the holiday. Sometimes I found myself feeling obligated to enjoy it because we had come all this way and spent all this money and I didn’t want to upset anyone else. This took me right back to my child self and those times of complete overwhelm. Most of the time on this holiday I was able to resolve the feelings and reach a place of acceptance about reality rather than textbook holidays.
One evening I was really struggling and ended up bursting into tears in a supermarket because it was all too much. I was too far from home, too tired, travelling too much, too alien for this place and had too little agency. My brilliant family were perfect. They gave me a tissue and a big hug, bought me a good loaf, some olives and a pint of ice cream and took me back home. They put the kettle on for me and went out to collect eggs while I pulled myself together and made myself some dinner, which I ate alone while they watched a film. It didn’t ruin the holiday. Nobody was disappointed and everyone else had their own, similar moments during the trip, which we honoured in whatever way worked for them.
What was really nice about that experience was that it taught me that it is ok to be with them and do those things and not have to be the strong, capable mother all the time. It was alright for me to be their peer and to allow them to help me piece myself back together again. One of the things I used to say to them when they were little was that a family is a team. We work together to make it easier for all of us. This trip was the first time I consciously allowed myself to be part of that team rather than the team boss. I liked it.
This is so wonderful. I think I decided this year that I wasn’t doing Christmas anymore as it’s too much pressure and I say this as a person with no kids so my Christmas is turning up to two other families. It’s still too much
This was a brilliant post to read as we are on holiday for the first time as a four (and it is my husband’s birthday today). We are having a lovely time, possibly because I didn’t have my expectations too high with two toddlers in tow! At the same time, it feels like such a timely reminder to treat each day as special in its own way and to mark things that feel right rather than waiting for occasions to celebrate/celebrate for the sake of it. The description of your family support during your wobble in the holiday supermarket felt like the most beautiful love, thank you for sharing it xx